The Dark Before the Dawn

On the one hand, this year seems to be flying by at warp speed.

the fact that it's almost the end of July seems surreal. The endless heat
makes it feel a little more "real" I guess... it surely is hot enough to be
July.

But the rest of it seems unreal

Thomas has made his move and his room sits quiet and empty. Surely I was
ready for this. Surely he was as well. But it feels strangely quiet and
there is an emptiness that seems to leak out from this space which was his so long
and seep it's way through the house.

The cats keep going upstairs, as if to check. Where did he go?
Can we get in there now that he is gone? They keep trying.

I wake up very early. It's the only time of day that's bearable
in this heat. But a strange lethargy sits on top of me. Perhaps
it is only the ceaseless endless heat.

Times like these make me sometimes wish I didn't know what I know.
If only I could return to those blissfully ignorant years... before I
knew it was all my own creation. Before I knew there was no one in my
life with more power than I.

It would be nice to have someone else to pin this on.. this feeling of
slowness in the midst of high speed change. This feeling of waiting for
I don't know what.

I remind myself that always these times are followed by better times.
The darkness lifts, the heat and the heaviness of whatever this is
move on. Set me free once more, back to my joyful self.

Today I do not know where to look to find her.
Perhaps she is on a vacation somewhere. Near the ocean. In the breezes
with the salt spray in her face.

I will wander in my day dreams and see if I can find that place
while I wait
for the world
to turn again.